Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of place. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable drinking water. But Sure, sure, let us have One more put exactly where American Males can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations unsuccessful less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer you Everybody a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is smooth ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded Trump Tower Damascus the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It can be that he ought to quit utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested regarding the undertaking, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from Room, a attribute becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… well, labeled.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It is really not merely hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Puzzling Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium where by company may well contemplate imprecise disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate Command set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Regional Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"

The advert campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Eternally."

A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it'd stabilize the region"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

18% explained "where's the nearest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Crisis That Pays"

The task is by now attracting notice from international buyers, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll purchase a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional degree will even contain:

A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD can have flip-down services."

An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports advise:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Remaining Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You happen to be welcome."